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±Black Dreams±
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Welcome my friends, to the little things that kill.
 
News For the Site
Ah, yes new on me. So interesting.... But Im sure you've all
been wondering where the hell Ive been. School work, my friends, and none Im to thrilled about. In fact I shouldnt be here
now really, but I am because I know a few of you do freak when I dont check in from time to time. Breath easy, everything
for the most part is okay. Im not gonna say anything about mom because knowing me I'll upset some unstable balance in the
universe or some sacred rule where you say everythings fine and it all turns to shit. But I'm not gonna say anything because
I myself dont actually know.
And as you see just things have been changing around here.
Im giving the site a make over. Which in other words someone played critic and told me what needed changed or improved. Not
that For the most part was spelling and grammar but there are going to be some changes. Another fact that play's the part
is stuff on here is so old or vague that you have no clue what Im talking about. So its disappearing.
Also we're getting a new master. Foamy. Who is the inspiration
for yet another page we have coming. Hard to believe but my sister will be contributing to this site. *proud look* Yes I've
read her stuff and some of it is actually worth my time. She just wrote a kick ass rant and has offered to write more. So
that will be coming soon.
Lost Souls officially ended today. After 15 months it had
become a part of me, it had been an almost daily routine of checking that board and writing with friends. And though we'll
be do a second part, Rise of Darkness, I'm really gonna miss it. -We had fun guys love you all.- And if you haven't checked
it out visit the link below, you may have to sign up but its free with no unwanted emails, and completely worth it. We worked
hard on this and theres a lot of good writing. And maybe I'll get the edited version from OKtober (or maybe even edit it myself
to put on here ;)
Anyways Ive some serious work to do. So to some it up: The
sites half way closing for construction, you'll be able to see the old stuff and new stuff as its slowly changing so its best
to check the updates frequently.
---3.1.4 -12.50
Foamy:
You know what, I say you join the cult. I mean,
what do you have to loose? But your soul!
Germaine:
I kinda like my soul.
Foamy:
C'mon, where's
your sense of adventure?
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A Letter To Mom
Right now Im doing just about everything not to want to go in and beat the shit out of my mom. Thought everything
was okay again didn't you? Yeah fucking right I fell for that one, only because I was willing. I new it was coming just hoping
it wasn't and I thought it would be from dad first. Guess not. I told her I was in pain and she tried to slap me across the
face. What the fuck? God I know Im gonna look back and this is going to be one of those childish rants with that arrogant
tone that I hate so much, but right now I don't give a damn. My shrinks got the link to this site and I dont give a damn.
Got a doctors appointment tomorrow and I still dont give a damn. Apparently this bitch of a mother that I have thought I was
trying to get out of cleaning up a few things, believe me Im so bad Im gonna through a huge fit about picking up a few things
I left down stairs. I went down and I did what I was told. Of course I was in fucking pain and to the point were moving is
not the best choice, so I wasnt going fast enough for her. "Is that where you got that?" "Yes mother..." pain. so I
stopped a minute to let it pass. "you still got this and this to put away." "I know mother." just call me a worthless
piece of crap and get it over with. Tell me how you were the perfect child and Im not. "Well come on damn it." I turned
around and answered her through clenched teeth, fighting back anger and pain "Just give me a minute mother I hurt."
Then she tried to slap me. luckily I brought my hand up to stop it. She only tapped my cheek. It took me a second for things
to register. What the hell happened? That reality hurt me worse. She just tried to slap me...? Why? I walked
out of the bathroom to the table, trying to remember what it was she wanted next before I got hit again. To my surprise I
was crying. Not sobbing just softly weeping. Tears falling from my cheeks. I blinked. The next thing I knew mom was in the
basement and dad was coming down stairs. his foot steps more than enough to make me shutter. "What the hell just happened?!" Dads
voice was harsh. I didn't answer. I couldnt. I didnt know. "NICOLE, what just happened" I dont
know let mom answer that. she did even through the basement, "She said she was in paiiin. She was just trying to get
out of work." "Yeah right mom, yeah fucking right" I muttered and went upstairs. Thinking of the things Vie tried so hard
not to.
Hi mom, its me. You always say the great things you do for me, maybe you have done a few. But its the things
you dont do or see. I was in pain all fucking night mommy. Why do you think we came back so early? You think Im so damn lazy
yeah right mom you fucking try being me a try. You think you could do it. You wouldnt last a week. Youd sit there and complain
how horrible it is. I dont complain and you dont ask. I dont need to fucking ask because you tell me everything anyways. Yeah
mom I appreciate it, you work, really I do. I realize you work hard and you do it for us. But Im starting to think you staying
in the hospital was just a scam to get out of work. Hey a day in theres better than a day at work isnt it? I doubt it. I sat
in there for a month watching kids die. I didnt even give a fuck that I might be one of them. And you just sat there what
just popping your corny jokes and sewing and reading. Helping me was just a relief to get up now and then to get out of the
same fucking room. Maybe you were there for me for some of it but where the hell are you now? You think Im a big fucking liar
when I tell you things like I hurt or its too damn cold, mom I cant be in the cold... I cant mom, Do you realize Orion comes
out in the winter? I havent even been out in the night all winter to see him. I havent even been out of the damned house.
Im stuck here in hell in a body which I have no control of. I hate it. I cant see my friends, I miss Sadies to the point I
could almost cry. I cant go to the prom because Im so fucking sick. I cant go to the fort because I dont know if Im going
to be okay enough that day to pull a role. I cant mother. I cant cant cant cant cant. Face it I have limitations. I have and
it fucking sucks. So grow up and get over it. Move on and adjust your not the only one. My bones ache too, my body hurts too,
my this and my that, you just dont hear me complain mom thats why. I was 14 years old when a doctor told me that I have the
body of an 80 year old woman. Fucking 14. sitting in a hospital bed and possibly dieing. Do you realize what I'd give to be
like you? Do you realize Im dieing slowly and be lucky to make it to 30 by my own hand or Deaths? Do you know what its like
to die slowly mommy? I cant even been to describe it. You think you feel old now just wait. That pain sets in and it NEVER
goes away. Your always cold and the heat NEVER comes back. Your stretched and weathered and that never goes away. And then
theres death. Believe me when your around it enough you'll know its there. Every damned day you can feel him and you can here
him laughing at you. Sitting beside irony. Hey do you think if I complain more like you maybe you'll start to believe it.
Fuck it mom. Fuck it and fuck you. Well it looks like were back to your little mind games. Okay I'll play. I've been through
hell more then once so whats another round? Believe me theres worse hells than you.
---2.16.04 -2.32
Just listen to Three Days Grace
Hey Kiddies We're At It Agian!!!! (Plus Another Rant In Order to Stay Awake)
Well right now I'm siting here being copleately board because Im scanning and uploading files, and Im on the old one which
gets along with nothing hell im even typing this up on word pad, and I have to scan everything twice to get it to work). I
love mine to death! ...'cept for the fact it doesnt have much for memory. So I'll probly open up a site just to save pictures
on (hey its free memory) actuly I have an attemped site I could use. Tripod doesnt seem happy unless its pissing me off. Thank
god I'm not paying for this.
Well the christmas decor came down today. Now that I've gotten used to it. In all Honesty I dont mind such a happy holiday...
as long as it inclueds bright shiney objects. And for chirstmas I got what I wanted last year (which is no problem) I got
2 big rolls of duct tape from Matt and 1 roll of black duct tape and a book about haunted hotels from Sadies. My cusion Sara
gave me The Crow Comic for the family Xmas and on the same day (Good News Ladies and Gentle Men) I found my freaking note
book!! I'd been missing it for oh say... 2years. turns out it was at Aunt Dee's thank god shes moving in with Terry now.
And in other news Nick has definetly stired a ripple in this small Iowa pond. All the girls love him. You can expect his
name to come up in a conversation. We had him in a room with a bunh of us and after he left the girls couldn't stop talking
about him. He's hot and hes such a sweetheart so its no wonder its almost unbeliveable.
Well right now Im sitting here thinking of something to type so far nothings hit me. grr..so I guess I'll just scan another
picture. Thanks to OKtober I'm finally getting of my lazy ass and doing this. *sigh* How do those Canadians do it anyways?
Its always so freaking cold up there. I mean dads always running around the house saying 'Damn Canadians, blowing their frickin
cold air down here.' but man if we complain about it think how much colder it is up there! And why do we say that anyways
its not like they have some huge fan blowing down here just to piss us off. -_- meh it's late and Im just sitting here ranting.
hey got nothing better to do, and I dread playing solitare. It boars me so. Besides that game can get just so damned additcing..
Lets see what else do I have to rant about? Hey if its this long already why not make it longer? Besides I havent posted
in foreverish. Hmm well me and rach have been getting along. Aint that just shocking. We're to the point I can pretty much
walk in her room and not piss her off, and shes alway been coming in mine anyways. That kid had some serious issuses that
I helped her out with. now shes trusting me more * eyes glaze* Plus the fact dad's been pissing her off and we both about
completely hate them.
This is some what intresting news. Sadies stole The Crow: Salvation from my house. Some friend... Just jokeing kid. In
honesty I pretty much expected it, but she could have at least TOLD me she took it. I would have been freaking out if I hadnt
found it, after all I do cosider that her movie cus I know shed kill me if something hapened to it. But I forgive her after
all she is Sadies. *sigh* You would have scared the crap outta me kid.
God I could just slap my self. I sent the same pic twice. esh... *sigh still not working its 2.30 and I started at 12.30
esh... Okay tripod uploaded 1 picture now let me see if I can get it to do the one I wan't (Hope you peoples apreciate this...)
Well once I slap these pictures on where I want them I think I'll return to my poor negelected site... My other half must
be pretty lonely, I think I'll pay it a visit. hmm I think I'll go to bed at 3 moms planning to wake me up and I should get
alittle sleep... What do you wanna bet no ones reading this by now, I know me I can be a pretty boaring person, expectaly
if i ramble after all I am my mothers daughter. But seriously I wouldnt be doing this if I wasnt trying to stay awake...
1.5.4 -3.30
"I think it hates me"
YAY! It works!
After much trouble posting it *finally* works. Finally... Well since I've been gone so long I have work
to do so I'll post more about life later. Im just so happy its finnaly working~! --1.3.4 +8.54
"Save me smileing Jesus..."-Seether
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Choices and Freedom
Yes, its true, Thursday I broke up with Joef. Why? I have my resons, leave it at that. Him and me are still friends though,
and I'm not mad at him nor do I hate him, its just me... Though I had to admit it was so hard not to want to go back to him,
but I burnt my bridge and made a desion. The single life doesnt seem so bad right now, stareing at hot guys with guilt free
flirting. So anyways, girls he's yours, hes a great guy but he's just not for me.
In other news I am not getting the bag back. the doctors say if I get it back it will be completely permante. So if I
still have a chance Iam gonna take it. and then I'll endure yet another year of COMPLETE hell... God life is fun!
--11.11.3 +6.16
"Lifes a Bitch then you die."
Reality Breaks....
We know I was going to give we just didnt know when.
I've been through 1 year 5 months and 16 days of unimagianeable Hell and I cant take it anymore. My world is falling apart
and spining out of control and theres not a damned thing I can do to stop it. I came last night to the realisation that if
I want my life back I'm going to have to compensate my body for it. This means I'm getting the bag back. Iam 15... Christ,
I shouldnt have to make this choice.
Ive taken as much as I can and its finnaly broke me. Iam not as resistant as I thought I was, but Iam at the end and right
now there no choice for me. I'm gone. I've finnished fighting. I give up.
I never wanted to say that at all and I know that soon it will come when I cant take this at all. Ive fallen unforgiven.
Theres no choice for me, hope maybe, but not much. Ive fought this much but now I lose. No more choices just cold reality.
It wouldt have worked anyways. They were just waiting for me to break.
--10.16.3 +4.12
"I don't want to come back down from this cloud,
it taken me all this, all this time."
---Bush, Comedown
Another night and Iam still not sleeping
Makes me wonder if I'll ever sleep right agian. Its 1.17a and Iam board out of my mind. I realy cant wait to get out of
this place. Theres not much for me here and theres that damned voice saying 'go west' why? Ive still no clue. Dad came from
there so what I'm suposed to meet up lose ends.
Right now I'm just trying to get over this sickness, and how the -hell- Iam going to get through highschool when they
want me to drop half my classes. wonderful. this is getting old and I'm getting tired. theres gotta be more to life than this.
--10.12.3
"I want my life back, I want to know WHY"
---Alex, The Crow: Salvation
October is Here At Last
I've been waiting so long gor this month to get here, so last night I celbrated. I was alread dressed in my black pleather
pants and black cross leash shirt because I had been depressed that day. So I lit candles on my vantiy and sat there and thought
for awhile, then read some Poe and James O'Barr. Decorated with the pictures I have of the comic and listen to 3Doors Down,
Creed, and Therory of a Deadman.
That song, Away From the Sun by 3Door Down, every time I hear that I start to cry or come damned close to it. It takes
alot to make me cry, If I do it only a single tear. But that song can make me acctuly cry. I guess it reminds me how down
my life realy is, breaks the reality that I've been trying to block. Then theres aline that causes me to think of those kids
and thats just a whole new reson to cry. Its the only thing that does this to me, Ive never cried durring a movie, Ive heard
alot of sad songs, but this one just kills me.
I've noticed I have been feeling more. They all have names and places and memories. Things I havent remebered for so long,
the things I though I would permently forget. And I feel them so intensely that they seem to be solid and have texture and
depth.
But Ive been sicker too. I had what was it a month when everything seem to be back to normal, like everything would be
fine agian but now they seem to be worse. My stomaches been hurting, which is unusal considering pretty much the last time
it did this I was in a hospital bed dying. Now its getting so bad I had to call the "wedding" off. Joe and I were
doing that as part of our 6 month anversery.
Iam getting tired of this, wondering how much I can take. Got to hold out for that testing thing. January. Sure I can
do that but how long after that? I find myself thinking 'as long as it takes' but humans have limitations, and like all things
they break. Its gonna have to be as long as it takes, because theres no other choice. God I hate that phrase no other choice.
How many diffrent times have I had to say that. I feel like the mouse that the cat has by the tail and is throughing it up
in the air then lets it scamper a way for a bit before it will catch it again. Catch 22. Who ever, whatever is doing this,
I swear to god Iam going to take every thing I got agianst it, because the thing is I know others have it worse, cant relate
to it but I know it. And what happens when that day comes that I just cant take it anymore? Thats what realy worries me. When
I scream I cant take it, what the hell is going to happen? Nothing good. Before this I thought about doing alot of stupid
stuff. So will I get the surgery in time? If so how long will I be able to stand a new kind of life? One were things aren't
picture perfect, though nothing ever has. I find myself saying "where's my break?" but theres the cold relisation
that god doesnt give breaks. What ever it is that controls us seems bent on pounding us to peices once it has us. Every option
I have, even now, is a catch 22. Right now one doesnt seem as bad as the other. So what the hell do you do? Iam sorry I feel
like Iam complaining, but then again thats why I created this journal isn't it.
--10.2.3,12.35am(happy aneversery babe)
"It's not the skill of the fighter,
or the weapon used in the battle,
but it's the will to get up and fight again
that seperates the warriors from the weak."
---Charles Hayes Jr.
What's Rushing Though My Blood? (it's surely bound to kill me)
Right now I'm listening to Theory of a Deadman, working on this site, looking for crow pics, downloading waves from the
movie and drinking in a rush. I can feel that pull that it use to give me. And I am feeling so much at once I swear Iam going
to die. I havent been like this for a long time, years. Maybe the anesthesia is wearing off. The doctors said it would mess
up my head. Its about time Ive been needing this. Maybe its because I appreciate more things, feel them more, I dont know.
Iam going crazyer still. If you think you know me its time to think again. ---9.27.3
"Pain, I know pain at the molecular level..
It pulls at my atoms..
And sings to me in an alphabet of fear..
Im the boiler man..
And ive come to break the bones of your sins, meat puppet"
-- The Crow Comic
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The cries and ramblings of a lost soul
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